


Russian Roulette- Valentine's Day Edition

by PlagueDoctor31



Category: Evil Dead - All Media Types, From Beyond (1986), Re-Animator (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Mild Language, Questionable Chocolate Flavors, thankfully no dead things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 00:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17611736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlagueDoctor31/pseuds/PlagueDoctor31
Summary: Ted brings home a box of chocolates and proposes a game to the two couples.





	Russian Roulette- Valentine's Day Edition

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this piece to my Ashbert buddy, flying-mint-fangirl. They're such a fan of Ted from Army of Darkness and the comics, so I couldn't resist eventually putting him into a fic. I hope you all enjoy! ^_^  
> This is an idea I got just in time for Valentine's Day, but I'm too impatient for February to start to post it >_< sooo... Here you go!

Ash knew what was to come the moment Ted slammed down the golden box on the table with a challenging look in his eye. The box was plain, aside the from the color, but had a distinct phrase printed on it: “Assorted Chocolates”. Everyone else at the table raised an eyebrow.

“Chocolates?” Crawford leaned closer curiously “How nice!”

“I don’t recognize that brand,” Dan raised an eyebrow.

“You shouldn’t,” Ted explained with a grin “It’s some obscure shop from New York that went out of business not long after this was given to me.”

Dan nodded, looking impressed, but Ash didn’t like the look in Ted’s eye. He’s known him known him long enough to know when Ted is scheming something. Ash narrowed his eyes suspiciously and crossed his arms.

“Oh yeah?” Ash challenged “What are you expecting us to do with it?”

Ted met his gaze, his grin unwavering, “Exactly what you think, we’re going to eat it.”

“Is that all?”

“Well…”

Ah, there was a catch. Ash called it.

“I propose a game.”

That piqued the others’ interests. Crawford smiled excitedly at Dan, who let out a soft laugh as he realized where things were going.

“In the box,” Ted explained “is a wide assortment of chocolates in a wide variety of flavors: Mint, Caramel, Fruits. But there’s also weird ones like beer, insects, cheese…”

“Oh god…” Crawford furrowed his brow as her nervously eyed the box.

“Oh I see where you’re going,” Dan nodded “You want us to play some chocolate-style Russian Roulette.”

“And can you think of a better game on Valentine’s Day?”

Dan thought it over and let out a laugh, “Fair point. What’s the worst that could happen?”

The conversation was interrupted with a loud _CLUNK_ on the table. Ash and everyone snapped to attention to see that the one responsible for the sound was none other than Herbert West, his eyes ablaze with determination behind his glasses, his hand still holding the glass bowl he no doubt place down to meet Ted’s challenge.

“Let’s make this interesting,” Herbert crossed his arms as he met Ted’s gaze “Put the chocolate in here. We all take one at the same time, and we eat them at the same time.”

“Last one the keep going wins?” Ted raised an eyebrow, to which Herbert answered with a nod. A smirk grew on Ted’s mouth as he quickly opened the box, revealing small mounds of various shades of white, dark, and milk chocolate. Ash could almost feel his mouth water, being held back by the knowledge that some of the treats before him represented the more… disgusting flavors. He glanced over, and saw that the danger didn’t stop Crawford from looking at the chocolates being poured into the bowl with hungry eyes. Dan, on the other hand, mirrored Ash’s concerned expression, staring at the sweets intently, as if he could deduce the flavors with a mere look alone. Herbert, paid little attention to the chocolates, taking his seat next to Ash.

“This doesn’t look so bad,” Dan conceded in an optimistic tone.

“Shall we get started?” Ted took his seat in between the two couples, grinning like a cartoonish mastermind.

“We each take one, right? And _then_ we eat?” Crawford asked, watching Ted reaffirm with a nod.

“What’s the matter, Tillinghast?” Herbert mused, widening his eyes at a mocking play of innocence “Getting impatient? Or are you nervous?”

Crawford frowned, causing Ash to bit back a laugh. If Herbert’s frown looked pouty, then Crawford’s was the poutiest of the pout with the way he would exhale that puffed out his cheeks ever so slightly. Dan, however, did not hide his smile as he draped an arm around his partner. The little jostle broke the eye contact between the two men, and Crawford looked up at Dan with wide eyes and a faint blush.

“Since you love birds are making goo-goo eyes,” Ted interrupted them all as he reached out to the bowl “I’ll pick first.”

He lifted out a small milky brown ball Ash suspected that he had his eye one during the entire exchange. Herbert noted Ted’s initiative and was the next to choose, picking up a flat, dark brown square with white drizzled on top without much outward thought on his decision. Pressure fell to Ash’s shoulders as he felt the eyes of everyone else turn to him. He swallowed and looked down at the clear bowl of innocuous looking sweets. Sure, the chocolate he might pick could be delicious, but it could very well be disgusting instead.

“What’s wrong, Ashley?” Herbert asked, the smug grin practically dripping in his voice “Nervous?”

Ash frowned and blindly shoved his fingers into the bowl, taking out the first chocolate he could take ahold of. He looked down at the result of his leap of faith, and found a dark brown cube being held in between his fingers. Satisfied his choice, Ash pushed the bowl across the table over to Dan and Crawford. Similar to Herbert, Dan didn’t take too long making his decision, plucking out a milk chocolate candy in the shape of a leaf. Crawford paused with his decision, humming and hawing between two pieces before taking out a milk chocolate ball drizzled with white chocolate.

“Everyone have their candies?” Ted glanced around the table, and Ash nodded along with the other men as he stared at his choice.

“Do we have to eat the whole thing...?” Crawford nervously asked.

“Of course we do,” Herbert rolled his eyes.

Ted interrupted the two with a slow countdown. Despite it being only 3 seconds, it felt more like 10 as Ash held the chocolate up to his lips. Once zero was hit, every opened their mouths and popped in their choice.

Silence followed with a chew… chew… chew… _crunch_.

“Ugh…”

Everyone’s head turned to look at Dan, who leaned against the table with his hand over his mouth, looking a bit green.

“Dan?” Crawford, unsurprisingly, was the first to voice his concern “Are you alright?”

“What flavor did you get?” Ted, also unsurprisingly, voiced his curiosity.

Dan slowly uncovered his mouth and opened it, the remainder of his piece resting on his tongue. Ash narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what would make a man so queasy. Was it just him, or were there some kind of insect legs resting in the melted chocolate.

“Is…” Crawford’s lip curled with disgust “Is that a spider?”

A laugh was quickly stifled, and Ash didn’t even had to look to know the person responsible for the sound was Herbert. Of course, the glare Crawford shot at Herbert was a dead giveaway as well. All the while, Dan had gotten up from his seat and quickly retreated to the kitchen, to which Ash guessed that he was planning on rinsing out his mouth.

“Well then,” Ted observed, surprise apparent in his voice as he swallowed his piece “That didn’t take as long as I thought for someone to get a nasty one.”

“How many of the chocolates have flavors like that!?” Crawford demanded, his eyes wide with alarm.

Ted paused in thought, “Ummmm… About half?”

Crawford balked at the percentage while Herbert paid no mind, picking another piece out of the bowl.

“Is the game over already?” he raised an eyebrow as he passed the bowl to Ash again. Ash couldn’t help but feel his nerve go on edge as he stared down at the collection of sweets once more. The one that he had picked was some kind of fudgy chocolate, nowhere near as bad as the spider Dan had bit down on. Letting Fate guide him again, Ash reached in and took out an oval shaped chocolate resting near the top of the pile. Crawford looked fearful as he pulled the bowl over for his turn, looking to also put things up to Fate and simply sticking his hand in.

The four men glanced at each other once each one had made their choice. Ted, once again, spoke up.

“Ready…? Go.”

They all popped their sweets in, silence once again fell over them. Ash slumped in his chair with relief as a smooth cherry-creme flavor flooded his mouth, thankful that his random pick was correct again. He glanced across the table, watching Crawford’s eyes widen with pleasant surprise as he quickened his chewing. Ash spied some movement, and looked up to see Dan returning amidst eating.

“You’re all awfully quiet,” Dan observed as he sat down, looking at the man next to him “You doing okay, Crawford?”

Crawford nodded as he latched onto Dan’s arm, “Coconut caramel. It’s pretty good!”

Dan smiled and ruffled Crawford’s hair as Ash looked to his right. Herbert just finished swallowing his piece, but his impeccable poker face betrayed no delight or disgust. Herbert glanced at Ash, obviously noticing his staring.

“Yes?” Herbert raised and eyebrow.

“Did you get a good piece?” Ash voiced his curiosity.

“It was alright,” Herbert looked at the table “It certainly wasn’t _bad_.”

Ash laughed and put his arm around Herbert’s shoulders. Used to the familiar gesture, Herbert leaned into it with a small smile tugging on his lips.

“Eugh…”

Ash looked up at the source of the interruption make a quip about jealousy, but it died in his mouth as he saw the sickly expression on Ted’s face.

“What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.” Ash furrowed his brow with worry.

“What kind of candy shop make their chocolate taste like soap…?” the other man croaked.

Dan overheard the question and frowned in confusion, “Soap?”

Herbert let out a soft “Ohhhh!”, and Ash looked down to see realization dawn on his face. A smile grew, and Herbert let out a laugh.

“I know what it was,” Herbert turned his head to Ted “It’s lavender.”

Crawford seemed to know what was getting at, as his eyes widened with surprise, “Lavender? People can make chocolate with that too?”

“You can eat lavender?” Dan looked even more confused.

“In small amounts, or else it just tastes like…” Crawford trailed off as he looked back at Ted “Soap.”

“So it looks like our friendly Teddy Bear is out of the game,” Herbert smugly remarked in triumph as he leaned away from Ted’s annoyed strike.

“Yeah yeah,” Ted scowled “Laugh it up, _Herbie_. I know for a fact that the wasabi chocolate hasn’t been eaten yet.”

Ash’s eyes widened with surprise, “Wasabi?! You can’t be serious…”

Ted sat up with a renewed fire of determination in his eyes, “Oh I am. And…!”

He reached down and plucked out a cube coated in white chocolate and passed it to Herbert.

“I know it’s one of the white chocolate ones!” Ted declared.

Herbert sat back and inspected the cube with a passive expression. Seemingly satisfied, he passed the bowl to Ash and Crawford. The two stared down at the remaining choices, which Ash noted had some white chocolate remaining. Perhaps, Ash mused, that the one Ted handed to Herbert wasn’t the wasabi chocolate, no matter how funny that result might turn out. Either way, it wasn’t exactly fair that Herbert has to eat a piece that could be the one to metaphorically set his mouth on fire. Ash reached out, wanting to even the odds as he plucked out a white cube with brown crumbles sprinkled on top. He looked up to notice Crawford plucking out a white chocolate star, possibly thinking of the same reasoning as Ash.

“Oh!” Ted exclaimed with wide eyes “That’s an interesting decision. You sure?”

Ash nodded slowly, whereas Crawford seemed more firm with his decision. Unsurprising, since Crawford has had good luck so far.

“Alright then. Whenever you’re ready…”

The three men consumed their respective pieces while the remaining two watched. Ash shut his eyes, expecting the wave of heat to hit his tongue. It only took a few chews… and it never came.

He opened his eyes, tasting a slight tang on his tongue and something fizzing inside his mouth. It was a very familiar taste to him. After all, he’s been frequenting bars long enough to know what beer tastes like.

Ash quickly looked next to him, concerned for his partner. There seemed to have been no need, for Herbert’s poker face had barely budged. He watched at Herbert finished chewing and swallowed, letting out a soft hum and smirking triumphantly at Ted, who looked as equally shocked as Ash.

“Wh-What!?” Ted exclaimed, his eyes as wide as dinner plates “I was so sure!”

“Oh really?” Herbert sneered “Looks like you were wrong, Teddy…”

“Uh, guys...?” Dan could be heard attempting to interject, an attempt Herbert and Ted didn’t hear.

“Grrrrrrrr... Give me that bowl!” Ted stubbornly protested, making a grab for the bowl “It has to be one of the-”

“Trying again? No doubt going to fail,” Herbert taunted.

“GUYS!”

Ted and Herbert quieted down immediately, and Ash heard something thud on the table as silence fell. If Ash didn’t get the wasabi chocolate, and Herbert didn’t get the wasabi chocolate, then… oh no.

He looked over, and sure enough Crawford was hunched over the table, his face as red as a tomato and tears threatening to roll down his cheeks. His hand was over his mouth as he sat as still as a statue with the occasional twitch from a hiccup that the hand muffled. Dan held onto him, his face wrought with worry. Ash found himself unable to say anything, unlike Ted.

“Well… Shit.”

I-----[---------}---

Suffice to say, the game ended not long after. Dan was quick to escort Crawford home after practically nearly drowning him with glass after glass of water, only to be reminded by Herbert that milk is the better cure for such a situation. Ted left as well, mumbling through a “got work in the morning” excuse as he showed himself out, leaving only Herbert and Ash in the house.

“Well, I’ll say that was pretty interesting,” Herbert watched the cars drive away with a bemused smile.

“You call that ‘interesting’?” Ash raised an eyebrow as he cleaned up the table “Crawford ate a mouthful of wasabi not that long ago.”

Herbert rolled his eyes, “He’s been through worse. He’ll be fine, and plus he has Dan. I’m sure he’ll pamper him for the rest of the night.”

“You sound almost jealous,” Ash teased with a grin.

Herbert didn’t look back, but Ash was sure he was blushing during the pause.

“What was your chocolate?”

“Oh no,” Ash sidled up to Herbert “You’re not changing the subject on me.”

“You had a strange expression on your face when you ate the last chocolate, but you didn’t seem to mind. What was it?”

Ash leaned back, raising an amused eyebrow, “You really want to know?”

Herbert nodded, and Ash quickly stepped away to return to the bowl. Skimming over the remaining pieces, he found a duplicate of the beer flavor piece and moved back to Herbert. He held it out to the man, to which Herbert reached for it.

Ash pulled it away with a grin, “Say ‘Ahhhh’.”

“You can’t be serious,” Herbert narrowed his eyes.

“Deadly,” Ash’s grin grew wider.

Herbert huffed and lowered his hand, opening his mouth and looking none too pleased. Ash chuckled and placed the candy inside. He watched with interest as Herbert closed his mouth and chewed slowly. Herbert’s brow furrowed, and his mouth slowly shifted into a frown, and his eyes shut. He grasped Ash’s wrist and brought his hand up, spitting the half-chewed piece into his palm.

“Ugh…! You didn’t tell me it was _alcohol_ flavor.”

“I thought you’d want to taste it for yourself!” Ash couldn’t help but laugh, thankful that Herbert had spat into his prosthetic hand. Herbert rolled his eyes with a scowl and made a beeline for his lab. Ash watched him go, calling out to him.

“You know you love me!” Ash started to follow, speaking to himself “I guess that means I won the game in the end.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all SO MUCH for reading! It's definitely been a while since I last wrote something up, but vacation and videogames dominated my winter break XD Please feel free to let me know what you think, and if you want to suggest any ideas for prompts, I'm all ears!
> 
> You can also find my on Tumblr at plaguedoctor31


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